Hold on for This one!
I have been trying to come up with something to write for a while now.
If you have been following along, you will see that I am not the most consistent with writing.
Everyone can come up with the idea to write a blog, or do a video series, but when it comes time to be creative, it is hard.
I can come up with a new idea, and try to make a blog about a topic, but after you force the thought process, it starts to slow. I have a hell of a time trying to come up with more than a few thoughts of a sentence when I am forced to.
I can wing it pretty well, as I am doing here, but I will more than likely go off the rails, miss the point, and you won’t really know that I am done writing, it will just stop. Oh the joys of PTSD, concussions, poor diet, and poor sleep patterns! The gift of forgetting the end of a sentence while you are still saying the words in the middle.
I get so inside my own fucking head because of this shit. It really takes the fun out of everything. I started to make some videos, and I have ideas all the time, and I even start to take video and pictures. Then, stop drop, what was I saying…fuck, shit….oh well, what ever.
With all of that written above, I would like to apologize for having a blog, but not being able to pay it the attention it deserves due to my own creative handicaps.
I did see a post that helped me with some of the self doubt.
It simply said, ‘Your first video will suck. Your first blog will suck. Your first idea will fail. Learn with each, and every new attempt will be better!’
Or some shit like that. I can’t remember if I ate breakfast, I can’t actually remember the exact wording. But the point was made, the point was received. Keep going.
Here’s a mental left boys…hold on I didn’t hit the brakes.
Its the same with PTSD, and being in public, being able to remember better, sleep better, eat better, LIVE BETTER!
It takes practice. Not too long ago, I got into it at a public event that was hosting all the local business owners. At the end of it all, I was being told I was aggressive, or abrasive, or some shit like that, (of fucking course I am), and me saying fuck yourself as I stormed out.
My wife was embarrassed as hell. She was left sitting in the room, watching her husband storm out after being insulted. She in turn snapped off at the woman who made the comments.
At home, she was ready to lay into me and let me really have it, until she saw my face. She saw the dried tears, and the red hands. The mess on my clothes from the coffee that couldn’t handle the dashboard beating, and spilled in the truck. She saw in me, a man who had beaten himself worse than she ever could. NO ONE HURTS YOU, LIKE YOU!
We came to the conclusion, and others in town said the same to my wife, that maybe I shouldn’t be at these things, and maybe she should be the public face. Boom, in one instance, my wife has taken on the public responsibility for MY store, and since, has been so fucking over worked, its hell to watch.
What the fuck can I do? In public, I can’t handle the general civilian anymore. While I wore the uniform, I was the most diplomatic mother fucker, but now, I can’t even start talking to most civilians without already being set off.
So, what the fuck do I do?
Mental ‘U’ turn, back track, and get onto the main highway please.
Practice. I, not my wife, I. Not with people pushing, but I ALONE, need to practice at this shit.
Without practice, nothing gets better. I will never develop the muscle memory to handle these random, out of nowhere episodes without practice.
Yes, we all learned, or were told, at some point in therapy, that we need to work at our mental health, with practice, to get better.
But it is more than that. I have started to notice, so much of my mental anguish is brought on by my own isolation from the civilian world. Be it my misunderstanding, or my general distain I feel, I have built my walls. I need to get out there and break them down.
We all need to get out of our house, break down the walls we have put up to ‘protect’ us from society, and start to understand that WE ARE SOCIETY. We aren’t outsiders to the system. We are part of this whole big moving machine. Take our place in the system, instead of detesting the fact we play a role in it, and maybe, just maybe, one live will be saved!
Hopefully that was all on track enough for you all